Limerence is an intense emotional state in which a person experiences an overwhelming, consuming sense of love and obsession toward someone who does not feel the same way. Originally coined by psychologist Dorothy Tennov, limerence is a psychological phenomenon with unique characteristics and significant impacts on daily life, often influencing emotional well-being and social relationships.
What Does Limerence Feel Like?
To the person experiencing limerence, it can feel like true love, but from the outside, it often doesn’t look that way.
Limerence involves over-romanticizing interactions with someone and creating an idealized future with them, despite it being clear that they don’t share these same feelings. While it may seem like unrequited love, limerence is more complex; it has a melancholic undertone, as the person knows deep down that the other won’t feel the same way. Yet, the feelings persist, creating a sense of powerlessness over the emotions.
At this point, people often begin to wonder why they feel this way and question the normalcy of such feelings. Although it can feel overwhelming, limerence is a natural psychological state with explanations behind it.
Limerence involves over-romanticizing interactions with someone and creating an idealized future with them, despite it being clear that they don’t share these same feelings. While it may seem like unrequited love, limerence is more complex; it has a melancholic undertone, as the person knows deep down that the other won’t feel the same way. Yet, the feelings persist, creating a sense of powerlessness over the emotions.
At this point, people often begin to wonder why they feel this way and question the normalcy of such feelings. Although it can feel overwhelming, limerence is a natural psychological state with explanations behind it.
Characteristics of Limerence
Unlike standard attraction or affection, limerence is distinguished by its intensity and an almost involuntary focus on the other person. Some of its defining traits include:
Intrusive, Obsessive Thoughts: Limerence often involves an uncontrollable flow of thoughts about the person, usually with a focus on their perceived perfection.
Emotional Highs and Lows: A person’s mood is heavily influenced by their interpretation of the other person’s actions, with perceived reciprocation leading to intense euphoria and lack thereof causing despair.
Idealization: People experiencing limerence often view the other person through an idealized lens, downplaying or ignoring their flaws.
The difference between limerence and real, reciprocal love only becomes apparent once the person moves on from it.
Intrusive, Obsessive Thoughts: Limerence often involves an uncontrollable flow of thoughts about the person, usually with a focus on their perceived perfection.
Emotional Highs and Lows: A person’s mood is heavily influenced by their interpretation of the other person’s actions, with perceived reciprocation leading to intense euphoria and lack thereof causing despair.
Idealization: People experiencing limerence often view the other person through an idealized lens, downplaying or ignoring their flaws.
The difference between limerence and real, reciprocal love only becomes apparent once the person moves on from it.
The Phases of Limerence
Limerence generally follows a progression through several stages:
Attraction Stage: This initial spark is marked by excitement and a growing fixation on the limerent object. It could be triggered by a deep conversation or a moment of connection, making you feel an instant bond with that person. It resembles love, with constant euphoria and adrenaline rushes when they give you attention. This is the stage of constant thinking, which leads into the next phase.
Obsession Stage: At this point, the feelings become stronger, often accompanied by intrusive thoughts and emotional highs and lows based on the other person’s behavior. Your thoughts are consumed by this person; even in the company of others, you zone out and think about them. You begin looking for ways to see them throughout the week, watching for signs of interest or rejection in their words or actions. Your mood becomes heavily dependent on their reactions to you, leading to the next stage.
Elation and Frustration Stage: This is the emotional rollercoaster stage, alternating between feelings of validation and exhaustion. It’s an emotional addiction, with euphoric highs becoming more elusive, which only increases the distress. This is the mind’s way of signaling that the bond is inconsistent and that you’re uncertain about where you stand. This stage could last years, often outlasting real love. To reach the final stage, it’s essential to recognize this emotional state for what it truly is.
Resolution Stage: This is where closure from limerence begins. The least likely outcome is mutual reciprocation, which can be painful to accept. Ideally, this stage is when you realize the bond was based on limerence, and the feelings start to fade. You recognize that you deserve someone who reciprocates your love and time equally.
Attraction Stage: This initial spark is marked by excitement and a growing fixation on the limerent object. It could be triggered by a deep conversation or a moment of connection, making you feel an instant bond with that person. It resembles love, with constant euphoria and adrenaline rushes when they give you attention. This is the stage of constant thinking, which leads into the next phase.
Obsession Stage: At this point, the feelings become stronger, often accompanied by intrusive thoughts and emotional highs and lows based on the other person’s behavior. Your thoughts are consumed by this person; even in the company of others, you zone out and think about them. You begin looking for ways to see them throughout the week, watching for signs of interest or rejection in their words or actions. Your mood becomes heavily dependent on their reactions to you, leading to the next stage.
Elation and Frustration Stage: This is the emotional rollercoaster stage, alternating between feelings of validation and exhaustion. It’s an emotional addiction, with euphoric highs becoming more elusive, which only increases the distress. This is the mind’s way of signaling that the bond is inconsistent and that you’re uncertain about where you stand. This stage could last years, often outlasting real love. To reach the final stage, it’s essential to recognize this emotional state for what it truly is.
Resolution Stage: This is where closure from limerence begins. The least likely outcome is mutual reciprocation, which can be painful to accept. Ideally, this stage is when you realize the bond was based on limerence, and the feelings start to fade. You recognize that you deserve someone who reciprocates your love and time equally.
The Reason Behind Limerence
Research suggests that limerence has both psychological and biological roots. Neurotransmitters like dopamine and norepinephrine create the euphoric highs people experience, which is why some experts compare limerence to addiction—they activate similar reward pathways in the brain, with the dopamine system working against you to keep you attached to this person.
Psychologically, limerence may be influenced by attachment styles or unmet emotional needs. Individuals might be more prone to limerence due to past experiences or personality traits. Our childhood bonds with others shape how we connect as adults, and a disorganized attachment in childhood often leads to similar connections later on.
Insecure attachment styles, for example, preserve limerent relationships because being in love with someone who won’t reciprocate allows a person to maintain a distant, imagined connection. Real love requires vulnerability and the potential for hurt, while limerence creates a pseudo-relationship that feels safe yet ultimately unfulfilling.
Limerence is also fueled by the unattainable nature of the object of affection. Knowing something is out of reach often only intensifies the desire for it and makes us want it more.
People with ADHD may also experience limerence more intensely due to traits like hyperfocus, rejection sensitivity, and emotional dysregulation that are common to both conditions.
Psychologically, limerence may be influenced by attachment styles or unmet emotional needs. Individuals might be more prone to limerence due to past experiences or personality traits. Our childhood bonds with others shape how we connect as adults, and a disorganized attachment in childhood often leads to similar connections later on.
Insecure attachment styles, for example, preserve limerent relationships because being in love with someone who won’t reciprocate allows a person to maintain a distant, imagined connection. Real love requires vulnerability and the potential for hurt, while limerence creates a pseudo-relationship that feels safe yet ultimately unfulfilling.
Limerence is also fueled by the unattainable nature of the object of affection. Knowing something is out of reach often only intensifies the desire for it and makes us want it more.
People with ADHD may also experience limerence more intensely due to traits like hyperfocus, rejection sensitivity, and emotional dysregulation that are common to both conditions.
What Makes Limerence Different?
Limerence also differs from lust that it’s based more on an emotional desire rather than a sexual one. You just want to hear from the person and connect with them and talk and do things that grows your relationship rather than just sleep with them.
This is why limerence and love are often confused because you care about the person the same way you care about a romantic partner. This is why it’s hard for people that never experienced real love to understand the logic behind how something so intense can not be love.
What limerence is not, is a sign from above that you should be with that person and that you shouldn’t give up your obsession because this infatuation is not destiny. It’s not actual events, but it’s your interpretation of events, and your mind is tricky because you brain will always try to make things work because it will hold on to the slimmest chance of possibility that this could happen.
This is why limerence and love are often confused because you care about the person the same way you care about a romantic partner. This is why it’s hard for people that never experienced real love to understand the logic behind how something so intense can not be love.
What limerence is not, is a sign from above that you should be with that person and that you shouldn’t give up your obsession because this infatuation is not destiny. It’s not actual events, but it’s your interpretation of events, and your mind is tricky because you brain will always try to make things work because it will hold on to the slimmest chance of possibility that this could happen.
Impact on Daily Life
Limerence can profoundly affect a person’s life, impacting:
Mental Health: Emotional turbulence and obsession can lead to stress, anxiety, and even obsessive-compulsive tendencies.
Social Relationships: Neglecting other relationships and changing behavior to be closer to the limerent object can strain friendships and family dynamics.
Personal Goals: Time and energy devoted to the limerent object may detract from career aspirations, hobbies, or other personal ambitions.
Mental Health: Emotional turbulence and obsession can lead to stress, anxiety, and even obsessive-compulsive tendencies.
Social Relationships: Neglecting other relationships and changing behavior to be closer to the limerent object can strain friendships and family dynamics.
Personal Goals: Time and energy devoted to the limerent object may detract from career aspirations, hobbies, or other personal ambitions.
Managing and Overcoming Limerence
Though it may feel hopeless, it is possible to recover from limerence and reach a place where hearing their name doesn’t affect you, and you no longer wait desperately for a text back.
To begin overcoming limerence, the first step is recognizing it. Evaluate your relationship: Is there commitment? Continuance? Equality? Answering these questions can reveal if it’s limerence and help you take the first step toward recovery.
The only way to get over that and the step that will probably be for the best is to go no contact. It’s the best strategy you can do, but it requires a lot of strength, discipline and sacrifice but you have to do it for your future self. The YOU in months will be the You that is 2 months in there healing process and that you will thank you for taking on the burden of starting sooner. You can do this step gradually by starting small and going minimal contact before going fully no contact, and hopefully you will see the peace and serenity and control that you have and this will make the no contact easier.
In the first week of no contact, you may experience intense withdrawal, but balance will gradually be restored. During this period, try replacing old habits—like constant social media checking—with healthier activities like exercising, meditating, or connecting with friends.
Another practice you can try is to be bossy and direct with your irrational thoughts like “they are the one for me and I can’t be happy without them” or “ they will eventually feel the same way” or “ If I try harder they will realize we are destined for each other” or “ they are perfect and I’m the one that’s not good enough” or “this is true love and I will never find anyone better”. All these thoughts sound very convincing because they are coming from within but you have to remember that just because you think something, it doesn’t mean it’s true. Interrogate these thoughts as soon as they come up.
Ask yourself, “Would true love make me work this hard or feel this much pain?”. You don’t really hear many love stories of people who were kept on the bench for years or stories of people that loved someone for years and weren’t given the love they wanted but then the other person changed their mind and they had this awesome relationship. It can happen but realistically speaking it won’t. You are the rule not the exception so don’t let the promise of being the exception keep you in the same place for years.
A tactic you could resort to is a deep psychological reprogramming that helps you take this love interest off the pedestal. What you can do is trick your brain into devaluing this individual by focusing on what you don’t find desirable even if you have to force yourself to search for it. Focus on the flaws of that person when you are in their company and this does sound mean but the idea is to counter your brain’s attempt to idealize this person by feeding it negative data.
You can also shift your focus from their visible qualities to your internal responses to them. Name what’s causing the shame or frustration that you feel form the state of limerence towards that person. Sometimes the way out is through so go through these emotions no matter how dark and hard they may be so you can get to the resolution stage.
Final tip is to find closure in any way possible and the best way to do this is to seek closure from this person by mustering every sliver of pride and courage that you have and ask that person if this is ever going to be what I think its going to be. Ask them “are you interested in me?” or “ will you ever be interested in me?”. This is the final nuclear option and might seem catastrophic but it can be necessary if nothing else work.
To begin overcoming limerence, the first step is recognizing it. Evaluate your relationship: Is there commitment? Continuance? Equality? Answering these questions can reveal if it’s limerence and help you take the first step toward recovery.
The only way to get over that and the step that will probably be for the best is to go no contact. It’s the best strategy you can do, but it requires a lot of strength, discipline and sacrifice but you have to do it for your future self. The YOU in months will be the You that is 2 months in there healing process and that you will thank you for taking on the burden of starting sooner. You can do this step gradually by starting small and going minimal contact before going fully no contact, and hopefully you will see the peace and serenity and control that you have and this will make the no contact easier.
In the first week of no contact, you may experience intense withdrawal, but balance will gradually be restored. During this period, try replacing old habits—like constant social media checking—with healthier activities like exercising, meditating, or connecting with friends.
Another practice you can try is to be bossy and direct with your irrational thoughts like “they are the one for me and I can’t be happy without them” or “ they will eventually feel the same way” or “ If I try harder they will realize we are destined for each other” or “ they are perfect and I’m the one that’s not good enough” or “this is true love and I will never find anyone better”. All these thoughts sound very convincing because they are coming from within but you have to remember that just because you think something, it doesn’t mean it’s true. Interrogate these thoughts as soon as they come up.
Ask yourself, “Would true love make me work this hard or feel this much pain?”. You don’t really hear many love stories of people who were kept on the bench for years or stories of people that loved someone for years and weren’t given the love they wanted but then the other person changed their mind and they had this awesome relationship. It can happen but realistically speaking it won’t. You are the rule not the exception so don’t let the promise of being the exception keep you in the same place for years.
A tactic you could resort to is a deep psychological reprogramming that helps you take this love interest off the pedestal. What you can do is trick your brain into devaluing this individual by focusing on what you don’t find desirable even if you have to force yourself to search for it. Focus on the flaws of that person when you are in their company and this does sound mean but the idea is to counter your brain’s attempt to idealize this person by feeding it negative data.
You can also shift your focus from their visible qualities to your internal responses to them. Name what’s causing the shame or frustration that you feel form the state of limerence towards that person. Sometimes the way out is through so go through these emotions no matter how dark and hard they may be so you can get to the resolution stage.
Final tip is to find closure in any way possible and the best way to do this is to seek closure from this person by mustering every sliver of pride and courage that you have and ask that person if this is ever going to be what I think its going to be. Ask them “are you interested in me?” or “ will you ever be interested in me?”. This is the final nuclear option and might seem catastrophic but it can be necessary if nothing else work.
The Gift of Mutual Love
We often hesitate to let go of limerence because we fear we’ll ruin a “beautiful” friendship. But let’s be honest: Is it truly that beautiful, and is it genuinely a friendship? Is it perhaps causing you more pain than it’s worth? Be real with yourself and with them. If they feel the same way, you’ll get the closure you need. But if not, this is a reality check—it’s time to open yourself up to the idea that someone else can love you more deeply and generously.
This isn’t about losing; it’s about realizing you deserve a mutual, wholehearted love. This situation isn’t what you deserve, and it’s time to give yourself the gift of stepping forward into a future that holds a love that values you as much as you value it.
This isn’t about losing; it’s about realizing you deserve a mutual, wholehearted love. This situation isn’t what you deserve, and it’s time to give yourself the gift of stepping forward into a future that holds a love that values you as much as you value it.
Embracing Change and Moving Beyond Limerence
The only constant in life is change, and this applies perfectly to limerence. When we’re in it, it feels endless, as if we’ll never break free. But one day, you’ll look back and see how far you’ve come, how much you’ve grown, and how beautiful it was to mature beyond this stage. You’ll likely find yourself in a love that’s fulfilling, mutual, and healthy—a love that lifts you up rather than keeps you in a cycle of yearning.
Yes, you may be hurting now, but trust that this change will come. It’s good to recognize the depth of love you’re capable of. That love is not misplaced or meaningless—it’s simply awaiting the right person who will cherish it fully. Remember, there are people who will be lucky to be loved the way that you love. Embrace the journey, knowing that you’re moving closer to the kind of connection you truly deserve.
Yes, you may be hurting now, but trust that this change will come. It’s good to recognize the depth of love you’re capable of. That love is not misplaced or meaningless—it’s simply awaiting the right person who will cherish it fully. Remember, there are people who will be lucky to be loved the way that you love. Embrace the journey, knowing that you’re moving closer to the kind of connection you truly deserve.
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